The Puffing Troll is re-born (and some other kid got born too)...

It has been a long time between drinks my friends but the Puffing Troll is back. Praise be!

Could there be a more auspicious time to re-launch than on the very day that the new Prince was born? I think not. So, to mark the occasion I have penned an open letter to Kate. I hope you enjoy...

'Dear Kate,

I hope you don't mind Kate? I can't come at Catherine since it's not your name and all.

First, I just want to say a big congrats! I was only telling my friends yesterday how difficult it is to give birth with the whole world watching. You've probably seen the video my hubby uploaded to You Tube? So hard to ignore the millions of people focused on your dilated cervix when you know they're all gagging for news.

And a little boy! What do you know?! Same as me. Except I've got two. You'll have to get cracking on the next one now! Ha ha. Just kidding, let the stitches heal. You probably can't even sit down yet? Poor lamb. Anyway, we're like two peas in pods you and I, what with our boys and all. You'll probably go stealing my names now. Noam and Albi do sound a bit regal I reckon. You can if you want you know. I won't get shitty.

I hope the breast feeding's going OK? It can be pretty tricky. Just remember - if you're looking into its face you're doing it wrong. You've gotta be looking down its ear hole. Also, if your nip feels like it's caught in a sewing machine, that's wrong too. It shouldn't hurt at all. If the Prince is a wee chomper though, whack a cabbage leaf in your bra. I swear to God it helps.

I hope Wills is planning on doing his fair share? It's not the 1950's I hope you've reminded him. You can't be the only one getting up during the night. Do you have a good support network? That's crucial. Hopefully you'll be able to rope the grandparents in for a spot of babysitting. Even if they just nick up the shops for a bit. You'll get a bit of a break.

I've got heaps of tips for you if you need any advice. I'm a bit of an expert now. As I said, the most important thing is not to wait too long before the next one. You don't want to just get your figure back only to lose it again. Nup. Might as well stay fatty for a little while and be done with it.

Also, if you need anything I've got stacks of clothes my boys don't fit into any more. I've washed them, it's just that some of the stains are hard to move. Spew can be a real tough one. If you have some of those little stain-remover pens handy you'll save yourself a lot of heartache. Just keep them in your handbag or what have you and you're always prepared for what the little spew-bag can throw at you!

I'm sending you some of those little 'my family' stickers for the back of your car. For Wills, I got one of a man on a horse. You'll have to draw the polo stick on with liquid paper 'cause they didn't have one of them. I got a lady carrying shopping bags for you. Hope that's OK? I don't know what hobbies you have but I figure all girls like a good wander through Highpoint, or whatever the equivalent is over there.

Well, I'd better let you get back to Mummy duty. No doubt you're shitting bricks at all the new stuff you've got to learn. But I'm here for you. You can totally facebook me if you need to chat or anything.

Take care,
Kris

PS - Dunno if I'd be letting Pippa do too much babysitting yet. She seems a little bit slutty? Your call though.'